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Life as I see it

Day 5 and that’s first full week down! Quite the satisfaction.

This morning I went through yet another super stressful situation. (I really thought I was done with that)

I had the brilliant idea to book – in advance – a swimming pool slot for my baby and I. Of course I invited my friend and her toddler to join us. And of course my baby isn’t quite on a schedule (I mean we’re starting to see a pattern but that’s it).

And of course that very day was one of those day when baby slept in a little later in the morning – which means later nap for the newbies – which meant we will be late to swim.

Now. I’ll try to go through the whole semi subconscious process that went through my head and made my life a living hell for a good 15min this morning (while I still put myself in perilous situations I am getting better at getting out of them too).

Last week i was meant to go to the swimming pool with my friend (and our said little angels)

I didn’t. (because … life)

I somehow said to my friend I was going to call the swimming pool and book a slot.

I felt guilty I didn’t.

It somehow stayed in my mind as something I had to do.

5 days later I did it.

Today is the day of the swimming session.

I felt stressed to have to be on time and make sure baby is rested enough to enjoy the swim, fed enough, etc..

Baby probably felt my stress and of course didn’t do as planned. (damn)

I felt a brutal urge to destroy a wall, break something but instead I crawled in bed and breathed.

As I breathed I tried to understand what the hell was happening.

  • I again felt like I HAD to do something subconsciously and did it to ease my mind, while it really wasn’t necessary
  • I realised I really don’t like to rush – and end up stressing and rushing to prevent… the rush (I know)
  • I really is hard for me to bounce back once I have made up my mind on a plan
  • I don’t like to disappoint people (inner child speaking)
  • Somehow I don’t believe that I have what it takes to face a stressful situation, like I am not strong enough, not smart enough (that’s on a deeper level it’s harder to put words on it)
  • I feel guilty for failing me, I didn’t take care of myself and I put myself in a strongly possibly stressful situation
  • I want to blame the entire world but deep down I know it wouldn’t have changed anything if they had done things differently – and I feel bad about it
  • I should know better
  • When in stressful situation I have the same reaction as when I was facing my blank copy during an exam – my mind goes blank and I highly doubt I’ll ever be able to get the ‘correct’ answer
  • My world revolve around getting the ‘correct’ answer
  • I know that isnt right
  • I feel bad about it

I finally asked my husband for a hug and got him to help me.

I turned around my thoughts.

I breathed deeply.

I did what I had to do.

I started to believe things could go differently than I had imagined and still go well.

I did my best to accept that everything could also happen in my best interest and that nothing, not the world, not myself, not people were failing me.

Everything was okay.

We will eventually get swimming.

And next time I will call for a same day booking.

And I will keep doing my best investing in my future self by taking decision out of love and fun and not because I feel like I should.

How about you? When was the last time you put yourself in an unnecessary stressful situation?

Speak soon,

F xx

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