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Where does it come from?

A few days ago I was talking about how I hate being rushed to do things.

It makes me feel so anxious and stressed.

So this morning I wondered why:

  • I feel like I will make the wrong decision
  • I feel like I am not clever enough, not smart enough to make the right decision if I can’t think properly
  • I feel like I am inapt
  • I freeze and my mind goes blank

So I dug a bit deeper to find out where it started:

  • when I was 8 I failed a maths test, and my dad is maths teacher. lol
  • I truly believed at the time that I did everything right and did not understand that mark
  • To ‘help me’ get better at it I had to complete the 1001 maths exercises book. Took me weeks!
  • Although it wasn’t it still felt like punishment
  • I felt like my own logic wasn’t right for this world
  • several other occasions over the years ‘confirmed’ that belief

It led me to:

  • not trust myself entirely
  • ask for people’s approval regarding my answers
  • be strongly triggered by events that require immediate reaction (I can’t trust my instinctive answer)
  • act in total control freak (which always fails of course and leads to more stress)
  • either avoid difficult situation or force myself to face them (the time I passed my driving license after 2 fails VS when I passed my competitive exam for physio)

What I an doing now that I know:

  • let go of the need to control the outcome
  • train my mind to make decision and trust that hey will be good enough
  • be more and more mindful of those experiences
  • go back to the feeling of unconditional trust and love
  • remember that my logic may be different but is still worthy
  • experience trusting my first reaction and wait for the results, assess them objectively
  • always take a deep breath and take that 1s to decide what to do
  • Remember that I am an ADULT and my decisions have been awesome enough to lead me where I am now (which I love) so everything is good
  • share with you all the junk thoughts but try to put them in order first 😀

How do you react when you have to make instant decision?

Speak soon

F xx

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