Where does it come from?

A few days ago I was talking about how I hate being rushed to do things.

It makes me feel so anxious and stressed.

So this morning I wondered why:

• I feel like I will make the wrong decision
• I feel like I am not clever enough, not smart enough to make the right decision if I can’t think properly
• I feel like I am inapt
• I freeze and my mind goes blank

So I dug a bit deeper to find out where it started:

• when I was 8 I failed a maths test, and my dad is maths teacher. lol
• I truly believed at the time that I did everything right and did not understand that mark
• To ‘help me’ get better at it I had to complete the 1001 maths exercises book. Took me weeks!
• Although it wasn’t it still felt like punishment
• I felt like my own logic wasn’t right for this world
• several other occasions over the years ‘confirmed’ that belief

It led me to:

• not trust myself entirely
• ask for people’s approval regarding my answers
• be strongly triggered by events that require immediate reaction (I can’t trust my instinctive answer)
• act in total control freak (which always fails of course and leads to more stress)
• either avoid difficult situation or force myself to face them (the time I passed my driving license after 2 fails VS when I passed my competitive exam for physio)

What I an doing now that I know:

• let go of the need to control the outcome
• train my mind to make decision and trust that hey will be good enough
• be more and more mindful of those experiences
• go back to the feeling of unconditional trust and love
• remember that my logic may be different but is still worthy
• experience trusting my first reaction and wait for the results, assess them objectively
• always take a deep breath and take that 1s to decide what to do
• Remember that I am an ADULT and my decisions have been awesome enough to lead me where I am now (which I love) so everything is good
• share with you all the junk thoughts but try to put them in order first 😀

How do you react when you have to make instant decision?

Speak soon

F xx