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Out of the darkness

I have all the reasons to celebrate. I have come out of the darkness.

Today my yogi tea quote said: without darkness we wouldn’t know light.

Usually I hate these obvious quotes.

Usually I don’t even bother reflecting on them.

But as I listen yet again to a conversation with @melanieannlayer I remembered my femininity. I remembered where i come from, what I have been through, Nothing huge, but emotionally for me it was.

I moved from being very depressed at the single idea of working my whole life as a physio.

I couldn’t see the light out of the tunnel.

I went back living with my mum who took care of me as if I hadn’t spent 5 years doing things for myself. I couldn’t even get in touch with my friends, I had no energy, no will to do anything, no desire to have fun.

Life seemed pointless. I didn’t understand. Nothing made sense. And I didn’t find anyone to talk to. Except my mum. Except my then boyfriend who is now my husband.

I knew somehow I had to wait even if I couldn’t possibly phantom how. The first opportunity that presented itself was my boyfriend internship in Germany. I knew I had to move, I knew I had to take action no matter what it looked like.

I didn’t speak a word of German I moved in with him for 9 months. I did cleaner job, I did tutoring jobs, I did waitress job.

Then he was offered to do a EngD in London, again I followed him, that was the action that was the closest to me being happy. I managed small jobs.

After a year I finally gave up on physio. I had in mind to start my own business.

I chose Pilates teacher and Massage therapist to start with, it went pretty well.

Until I hit the wall again, I could try as hard as I wanted to do it, to prove myself worthy, to make it happen. I couldn’t lie to myself for too long.

My body reacts very quickly, usually with eczema. I become exhausted, I become irritable and overwhelmed. I have to force myself to be that kind version of myself I know I am. I gave up. Again.

Over times I made the conscious decisions not to take that path, even though everything looked good and success was within reach. It didn’t make sense.

Not many people understood. Fortunately my friends, my family, they didn’t need to understand to support me. I pivoted. Multiple times.

I gave in to life coaching, it had been on my mind for years. I wasn’t fully qualified for it, and didn’t intend to put myself in a box again. I tried. Shyly. I tried and life kept happening. I kept showing up in some ways. I kept learning about myself. I kept accepting, handling, evolving, gracefully. I kept feeling miserable at times, but I could tell it wasn’t like before, it was less intense, it lasted less long.

Slowly I became able to tell who I was, even when emotions overwhelmed me. without realising it, life became exactly what I wanted. I have a beautiful loving family. I live somewhere I feel I belong. I feel genuinely deeply happy. I feel one. I feel like the world itself is a happy place. I feel connected to this world.

Without realising it, no trumpet, no jingle song, I joined the light. I have left the darkness behind me. There still are some shadows showing up from time to time.

But My path is so clear, the sun shines brightly above it and whispers promising secrets to my heart.

I have found my way back home, back to myself and I know that nothing can ever happen to me again now that I am united again.

Now that I am one, now that i feel whole.

During your journey, remember to stop sometimes. Let your soul catch up. And watch how far you’ve come.

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